"Yours truly"

Seriously, sometimes I think it will be easier to just be lesbian.

I hate boys so much (at the moment).

Okay, so it’s not like I didn’t acknowledge that I’m awful at posting or anything.

Since I last wrote: Christmas happened, a new year is upon us, and the entire country, more or less, has been blessed with snow at least once the past few weeks. I started new classes and am currently hating myself for taking an extra class; I’m finding myself constantly drowning in work, both for class and extracurriculars, so I’ve barely had time to write here.

Oh, and I’ve been having the most ambiguous relationship with men recently.

I saw M again one more time before break. The second time was better than the last, but there are still a lot of loose ends. Then, it was January 2nd, and it was time to go back to school, and I couldn’t have been more excited. Let’s face it, as much as I wanted a break from school, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to going home.

Dealing with the ex issue is a lot more difficult when he was a five-minute-drive away from me. Going home always feel like taking a trip down memory lane – I couldn’t go anywhere without reminiscing about high school and the good ol’ days.

But being thousands of miles away isn’t exactly making any feelings go away. I don’t really know how I feel about him. I’m doing this avoidance thing, because quite frankly, I don’t think I can spend another minute giving this another serious thought. I’m so sick of thinking about feelings and regretting what happened that I’m copping out and just sweeping the whole thing under the rug.

I know, that’s not exactly a good thing. Trust me, every now and then, all those feelings would resurface, and I’d find myself sitting in my room, feeling like shit, pining about the past and about someone four states away.

The thing is, though, he’s doing the same thing. I called him the other day, out of frustration and PMS, and he’s too busy to have a legitimate conversation about it.. so we’re both at this limbo stage, with nothing being settled. Sometimes I wonder if the best option is to not speak at this point, but let’s face it, officially saying, “We’re not going to speak” is just going to make me miss him even more.

And it’s not like we’ve been talking that much lately. I’ve pretty much resolved to just letting him talk to me whenever he wants, but not doing the initiating. And I’ve been trying to consciously stop myself whenever I even had the slightest desire to call or text him (I’ve had a few slip-ups every now and then).

[ on a happier note ]

The prospect of new classes also meant a whole set of new classmates (read: guys). And things are looking pretty good. Hot guy from newspaper, let’s call him D. I can’t remember if I’ve talked about him yet, but here’s the lowdown: he seems to be obsessed with anything Detroit, he’s had a million internships, very ambitious and driven, has the same majors (both of them) as I do, and he’s kind of hot. Which pretty much labels him as way out of my league, but who knows. I had a class with him spring quarter, but as my hot guy radar was not working fully, I didn’t really pay that much attention to him.

But lo and behold, he’s doing a lot more stuff for the newspaper this quarter. He’s also in one of my classes – and the same discussion section! – so expect a lot of giddy updates about sightings and interactions in the future. He’s actually what this post’s title is about. I was just reading his blog because my friend retweeted the link, and his writing is phenomenal. Although I feel kind of creepy since while we know each other by sight, we haven’t really talked that much.

Which brings me to other cute boy in my class. Let’s call him N. He’s actually friends with R – remember him? coffee date boy? – so I’ve heard about him before meeting him, but little did I know that he’s quite cute. He’s in my Arabic class this quarter, and it’s pretty funny, how it happened. One day, I was walking in late to class (as per usual) and this guy was walking in with me, and I thought, huh he’s pretty cute. Then my teacher called him during class, and gears started clicking in my head. I thought, it couldn’t be him, but it fit perfectly, from how R described him: he’s tall and his name is N.

So I texted my friend and told me to describe him to me, and voila, it turns out he is the one and only. I’m working on trying to sit next to him in class at some point so we can speak Arabic to each other – romantic, I know.. but developments have been slow. Although he came to my dorm the other day, and I literally freaked out. He saw me and I thought I saw a look of recognition, but who knows.. I didn’t get to talk to him though, because he and R were working on things, and he left right after they were done.

R remains to be on the radar, but I have a feeling that will fizzle out soon enough. I don’t know, I see him and the way he looks at me, I get this tiny hope that maybe something’s there, but he hasn’t done any definitive thing to indicate so.. and what did we learn from He’s Just Not That Into You? If he likes you, he will ask you out. So far, no asking, no dates, so I’m losing all hope on that front.

All in all, while I’ve been a whirlwind of busy days after another, I can’t seem to make any significant progress on the opposite sex front. It really is quite disappointing, but we’ll just have to see where things move forward. But I will try to update this more often, when I want to take a break from all the work, hopefully.

Eternally waiting for my own “exception”,

Yours Truly

There’s a scene in 500 Days of Summer towards the end, when he goes to Summer’s party and the screen was split into two: his hopes and expectations of how the incident will play out and the reality of what actually happens.

Hanging out with M, aka “the ex”, was a lot like that.

Except I guess it was split between the reality and what once was. From the moment I got of the car, these familiar images replayed in my head of what used to happen when we would hang out, especially after not seeing each other for months. Having these in my mind, it made the difference that much more pronounced.

Like, hugging but not kissing. Sitting in the car but not holding hands. Ordering separately and paying for our own meals. The space between us when we sat on the couch.

It was even more difficult because we went through the same motions. We went to Panera, had lunch, talked then went to his house and I was there for hours. His family saw me and gave me hugs and asked me how I’ve been. I sat around in his kitchen as he talked to his mom about everything and nothing, and I participated in the conversation every now and then, but mostly I petted his dog. We sat on his couch and watched so many episodes of Jeopardy, my brain started hurting and we joked and laughed and had a tickle fight. It could have easily been just one of those days last summer, or last Christmas break, or even the first summer.

Then I did something incredibly stupid. We were driving to get some stuff from the grocery store because he was making me dinner, and I asked about his love life. I, miss jealousy, captain of comparing myself to others and feeling like shit, asked about the new girls in his life. He mentioned there was this girl that he does this one fundraising organization type deal with who he’s sort of interested in. He also said there’s this one other girl, a friend of a friend, who is really into him whenever she’s drunk.

The hardest part of a long distance relationship, in my experience, was the other life your significant other is living that you’re not a part of. Whenever I would hear about some party he’s going off to or some adventure he and his friends are up to, I always felt this aching longing, like I want to be there, too.

I guess part of me has always wondered what our relationship would have been like if we had gone to the same school. Especially before I visited him and put faces to his friends’ names, it was difficult having this constant awareness that life goes on without you. It’s a little selfish, I know, but you get this nagging worry that they’d forget about you or something.

Then I would go on Facebook, and whenever I’d go on the profiles of people from high school who went to the same school as he did, I’d get the feeling, too. I’d look at their pictures and wonder if I’d be friends with the same people they’re friends with, or what my dorm room would look like, or which parties I would go to and clubs I would join.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my school and I love my new friends. There was a period last year, at the beginning of the year, when I was dying to transfer, but I didn’t and ended up loving it there. But there’s always a part of me that will wonder what if.

So hearing about these girls that he’s hanging out with and talking to and could possibly be interested in, I suddenly felt a little.. well, replaced. I took a snapshot of that scene and many others earlier that day, and I pictured myself gone, replaced by some cute girl with long hair. I imagined him taking her to all these places and telling her about our town, about his childhood, about high school.

I tried doing that thing where I pretended to not be bothered by it, but he knows me too well. He quickly realized that something has changed, and he kept asking me about it as we were eating dinner so many times that it all just poured out. Waterworks, words, babble and all, I couldn’t stop.

Then we heard his stepdad and his stepbrothers come back from dinner, so I had to quickly compose myself. He went outside in the garage to look for something, and I sat down on the steps and I was still tearing up a little. We didn’t talk, but he eventually came over and gave me a hug. I was standing on the step and he was on the ground, so we were the same height, and he picked me up and I laughed a little and turned my head to look at him, only to find my face thisclose to his and he set me down and we both quickly looked on the ground as we realized the awkwardness of the situation. Later, when we were talking in his car, he mentions it, how in his head, he thought, “Woah, I think we almost kissed right then.”

We ended up talking a lot after. We went to Sonic to get ice cream sundaes like old times, and we sat in his car and I talked and teared up (like a huge idiot) while we both froze our asses off. He drove home and we sat inside his car in the driveway and talked some more, then he said something frustrating so I rolled my eyes and walked away, while he ran after me telling me “Wait, wait, stop, please don’t go just yet” and then we stood by my car talking and hugging and talking until I couldn’t feel my toes, fingers or ears anymore.

Then we talked on the phone for what must have been hours about some pretty heavy stuff, and I realized that I wasn’t okay, about just being friends, about the awkwardness and about how our relationship ended. I wasn’t okay about a lot of other things, too, and he talked to me about those, and we stayed up as he packed for his trip to Puerto Rico, until it was time for him to go to the airport.

He left early Sunday, and all day I stayed in bed and felt like shit. I wondered how I’ll survive the next week, because even though we talked and talked, we never really settled things, so he left with so many questions still unanswered, and I was stuck here, at home, without any definite plans because all my friends are busy, left to think about the endless possibilities for answers to those questions.

Then he texted me, and he’s been texting me once or twice each day, when he gets the chance, because he’s busy enjoying the sunny Puerto Rican beaches and because texting is expensive.

He comes home tomorrow night and I still have no answers.

I guess I’m not even sure what I want. We can’t get back together because nothing has changed, but just being friends kind of blows. We could cut of all contact, but I don’t want that either, because he’s honestly one of the only people who know me well enough to know what I want and need to hear, and talking to him instantly makes me feel better, always. And I guess I’m afraid if we stop speaking, it will be permanent, and we’ll never be friends again, and I really don’t want that.

But I’m not even sure how I feel about him, if it was just awkward because it was the first time, and if it’s because it’s winter and it’s cold and we all just want a little love in our life, you know? Or if I still really like him, but I’m afraid to admit that, if it’s true, because that would mean that I haven’t moved on when I thought I had.

And at the same time, I want to swear off boys like I did two years ago for Lent, but that’s always easier said than done, you know?

Sometimes, I really wish we would be void of all hormones. They just make things so complicated. Oh well, I guess it’s back to chick flicks and comfort food for me the rest of break.

Yours truly

I’m seeing the ex for the first time in what? three months? tomorrow. This should be interesting. Especially because all of a sudden, as I write this, I’m flooded with thoughts and memories from our relationship. Just, little things, you know. Like how we’d kiss really fast when he drops me off, as I cautiously keep an eye on the window, afraid that my parents could see us. Like how when I would pull up and walk up his driveway, his front door would open and he’d run outside with the biggest smile on his face. Or the same radio station that played our songs as we drove around our town.

I don’t know why I’m so apprehensive. I guess I’m afraid that once I see him, all the old feelings that I thought I had gotten over would come flooding back, and I would realize I’m not over him, not even a little bit, not at all.

I know, I don’t have to see him. But a part of me really wants to, you know? Just because. Or maybe because this is like a test, of whether I really am over him or not. Or maybe because I just miss hanging out with him.

Anyway, I’m going to go spend the rest of the evening drinking hot chocolate and watching chick flicks, to try and get my mind off things. Sigh.

I’ve been home for three days and a few things have already happened: one, I cannot stop eating that I seriously think I will explode by the time I have to go back to school. Two, I have literally done nothing but sleep and eat, and this lack of activity is driving me closer to insanity. Three, I’ve done a lot of thinking and I’ve gained a lot of perspective.

Where should I start? I’ve been feeling sort of purposeless and lost lately, like I’m not really sure where my life is going anywhere. You know, when people in their mid-30s have a midlife crisis? That’s sort of where I am now.

I’ve always been the girl with a plan. Sure, things changed, but there was never a point since fifth grade where I felt at a loss of where my future was going. But I think I never really gave it any serious thought or consideration. Now that I’m in college, and everything is actually happening, and I’m making decisions that have direct impact on my future, it feels so surreal, and I’m suddenly stuck. Stuck in this idea that maybe I’m not really sure about anything, and that all I want to do is crawl back into bed, wake up and be a little kid again.

I have a major, I’m in a great college, I have plans for study abroad and doing all these programs, and I get involved with activities. But every day, I’m slowly losing motivation to move forward, to do things and to get up each morning. I often find myself staring off into space, wondering what exactly am I doing and why. The idea of having to sit through class and learn about things bothers me so much.

Then yesterday, talking to my friends, they started talking about college and work ethic. My one friend, jokingly and with love I’m sure, said something to the effect of how I used to be a straight-A student in high school, and now I don’t even give a shit if I fail out of a 60,000-dollars-a-year college. And she’s right.

I guess it all began junior year. One of my English teachers, bless his total disrespect for authority, opened our eyes to so many things. I don’t know if you’re familiar, but there’s this Mark Twain quote that says something like, never let school get in the way of your education. He encouraged us to think outside of the box, to stop giving so much crap about grades and about the typical societal definition of success, and to figure out what really would make us happy.

But the thing is, I don’t know what would make me happy. I guess if I really think about it, all I want to do in life is to help people. I want to be able to touch someone’s life some way or another, and if I can do that, then I’ll be happy. But I don’t really have a definitive plan. Sure, I’d like to just spend the rest of my life volunteering with the Peace Corps, but that’s not practical or logical. I don’t know.

So lately, I’ve been wanting a distraction from this uncertainty. I mean, no one likes feeling unsure, especially about something as big as the rest of their lives, so I turned to liking and obsessing over guys.

It couldn’t have come at a better time. If I’m honest with myself, I’ll admit that I sort of feel compelled to find someone else after my breakup with M, because I knew if I had someone, when it came time for him to have a new girlfriend, it would be a lot more difficult to deal if I didn’t have my own boyfriend. It’s selfish, I know, but I guess I just really wanted to get over him and find someone else before he does.

So C came along, within two weeks of the breakup. And it was great, and it was working out okay, until I decided to rush things because I got antsy and I wanted to focus all my brain effort on guys and crushes, because dealing with the other shit is too complicated. I screwed up, and I had to settle with playing sort of matchmaker, so he can get the new girl he likes.

And I kept telling myself it didn’t bother me. I mean, I can honestly say I stopped liking him, but I think it sucked seeing how cute they are, you know? Because while I hoped that I got karma points for hooking them up, it still sucks not getting the guy and watching him like someone else, regardless of whether you like him or not. It’s a matter of pride, I guess.. and it’s also a reminder of your own loneliness.

So then R entered the picture, and I so badly wanted to like him. It was great, he’s cute and he’s really nice and he has an excellent taste in music. But to be honest, I really don’t think I actually like him.

See, removing myself from the dormcest (aka, hooking up with someone in your dorm, for those unfamiliar with the term) culture at school is a refreshing break. I don’t see all the couples holding hands and sitting on the suite couches and looking all cute and reminding how I just had that, what, three months ago?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy for the couples I see everywhere I go. It’s really cute to see when two people are together and you can tell how much they like each other and enjoy each other’s presence. I really feel for them, and I’m glad that they’re a testimony to the fact that love still works, despite the divorces, the lack of faith in marriage and the non-believing in love these days.

But at the same time, you feel this sense of sadness, because you want to be a member of the happy couples club. You want your own boy to cuddle with, especially when the weather’s so cold outside. You want your friends to go aww and ooh and ahh at the cute stories of your boyfriend/crush/what-have-you.

So you get desperate. I had this conversation with one of my friends, and she praised me for having standards and not liking every guy. I’m starting to think she was wrong, and that maybe, I really just liked the first convenient guy to crush on. I don’t know, I mean, I didn’t even really know him.

Here’s an honest take of our “coffee date”: I’m not so sure we clicked. In a nutshell, I’m neurotic, I worry too much and I’m slightly insane. I lack motivation and I never do my homework. I’m queen of procrastination. I drink, I get high and I get silly. I work hard when I want to put in the effort, especially for things like the newspaper, but when the weekend comes, I play hard, too. I sacrifice sleep to hang out or go out, and then I regret it the day after, as I run to the nearest cafe and down two cups of coffee. I make mistakes and often.

On the other hand, he’s a nice guy. Maybe too nice. He gets his homework done on time, and he actually uses his planner and sticks to it. He’d rather sleep than go out, and he’s often in bed by midnight. I’m sure he rarely skips classes and stays on top of his work. He’s reasonable. And I don’t know. Sure, opposites attract. M and I were extremely different, he’s chill and cool and optimistic, and I worry too much. And we clicked. But somehow, I’m not sure R and I do.

Of course, this could all just be self-preservation. I’ve been saying all along that I don’t think R likes me, so maybe this is my way of quitting while I’m ahead. But I don’t know, maybe part of the reason why I don’t think he likes me is that I’m not sure I’m not into it either. I guess I’ve just been getting this nagging feeling about this whole thing, like it doesn’t feel right, and I’m forcing something that shouldn’t happen. Like I’m going against the flow, and I should stop and reconsider.

If we get back to school and things happen, maybe I’ll give it a shot. I mean, there’s only so much you can tell about a person after a two-hour conversation over coffee, so we’ll have to see. But if nothing happens, I don’t think I really want to try anymore.

I finished watching Eat, Pray, Love today. I know a lot of people have criticized it, because Julia Roberts’ character, in a lot of people’s eyes, is extremely selfish. But I think I can relate. I mean, from an outsider’s perspective, my life isn’t too bad. I go to an extremely amazing school, and one of the best cities in the country is only a train ride away. I have great friends, I’m healthy and my family is happily together.

Liz Gilbert was at a pretty good place, too. She was a successful writer and she’s been to so many different countries. She was married to a pretty decent guy and she lived in New York City. But I guess sometimes, you just sort of end up feeling lost within your own life. You’re going through the motions of living, without actually living or feeling anything.

Maybe I just need these next three weeks as a break from everything. Maybe I just need to sit down and rethink a few things, about boys, about life, about my plans. I mean, I’ve been pretty successful at that so far, considering how much I’ve realized in the past few days.

What I really liked about the movie was that yeah, while she left her husband and left James Franco’s character in what many deem as a selfish manner, she did it because she knew she couldn’t really like them when she felt so lost. And I don’t know, maybe that’s what I need to do first… as cheesy as it sounds, maybe I need to find myself first, you know? I think I sort of knew this all along, since the breakup with M.. but I was afraid to do it, mostly because it seems like this enormous task and I didn’t even know where to begin.

I don’t know where to begin still. I can’t afford to go to Italy, India and Bali like she did in the movie, and it’s not like I don’t have to go back to school in three weeks. But maybe what I need to do is just… breathe, for once. I don’t have to distract myself with obsessing over a boy, because let’s face it, if I don’t know myself, how would I even know what I want in a guy, or a relationship?

I think I’ll just spend the next few weeks meditating and reading, just like old times. I mean, I have a long list of task, as far as internship applications and study abroad applications go, but you know what they say, take things once at a time.

My apologies then, if this blog has a serious lack of boy drama and boy issues. I’m sure I’ll eventually revert back to my old ways, but I think for now, I just need to find my place again. I’ll still update this though, maybe about new theories about life and love, maybe about my friends’ love stories, maybe about past love stories. And I’m seeing M over break, so I’m sure that’ll be a story to tell.

Til next time,

Yours truly.

*I cannot attest to how true the “objective” part is.

I woke up yesterday not wanting to leave my bed. I sat there until around 1:45, knowing full and well that it takes me at least half an hour to get ready, maybe more, and he told me he wanted to go get coffee sometime between 2 and 3.

I took a shower and mulled things over for a while. I thought about my first date with my last boyfriend, M, and I wondered if I was this nervous and anxious before then. I got out of the shower, and texted two, three.. five people about what I should do and whether it was a date. I guess I’m lucky in that regard, because I can talk to so many people about this and I can have varying opinions on the matter.

I had my mind set on the fact that I was not going to text him if he doesn’t text me first. Okay, maybe until 2:45. But as it inched closer to 2:30, I stared at my phone, unsure if I really wanted to wait that long. A million thoughts run through my head, like what if he forgot? Or what if he decide he didn’t really want to go anymore? Then my phone buzzed, and his name was across the screen. He asked if I wanted to go get coffee in 10 minutes.

I did that thing where you wait a little bit to respond, so you don’t seem too eager. I noted the time I got the messaged, and waited approximately 13 minutes after that to go grab my stuff and head down.

As we walked out of the dorm, I found myself too nervous to think of anything to say. Luckily, he started the conversation, asking me how my day went. We braved the cold and we took turns talking about things, and the topic went from what our plans our for the day to our plans for winter break.

We got to the coffee place and I couldn’t decide on what to get. I made a sort of decision, and he said I could go ahead and order if I knew what I wanted because he didn’t just yet. So then for some reason, that made me doubt my decision, and I sat there thinking about what I wanted to get, then ended up deciding the same thing I decided in the first place. I paid for my drink and so did he.. so that left my whole anxiety about who’s going to pay settled, but then again, I still wondered if he considered it a date.

There were no seats left at the coffee place, so we thought of a place where we could go and hang out. I suggested Barnes and Noble, so we walked down a block to the bookstore and went in, and we sat at the cafe place and started talking.

We ended up talking a lot about our future plans. Well, I did anyway. We talked about finding internships and jobs and deciding whether to go to grad school or not. I think it was because I was staring directly at the travel section of Barnes and Noble, but I talked about wanting to travel and learn a lot of languages, too. I admitted that even if I didn’t get a job in journalism, I would be happy volunteering with the Peace Corps and just traveling around the world, as long as I’m helping people. We reminisced about applying for colleges. We talked about our families, and about moving to different places. We talked about tea and coffee and caffeine.

We talked for two hours, about so many different things. I thoroughly enjoyed the conversation, but I really don’t know if he did. Looking back, I remembered what his roommate T advised me so I don’t get friend zoned, to flirt a little instead of just talking. But it seemed weird to flirt, because we were essentially getting to know each other.

So basically, I don’t know how the date went. It went okay from my perspective. It didn’t answer the millions of questions I had in my head, but at least I got to know him a little better. I came back wondering what to do, but I know I don’t want to ask him to a date or non-date again, simply because if he really is interested in me, then he’d ask me on a second date or non-date.

I guess what makes things complicated is the fact that we’re leaving for Christmas break in two days, and we’ll be gone for three weeks. I’m not really sure where that puts things after those three weeks are said and done, but I guess the only thing I can really do is wait. As they say, worry about things you can control, and not about those that you cannot. I’ve done my part, so it’s his turn. If he’s not interested, then I think I’ll be okay. I hope. (These last two paragraphs are mostly for me, convincing myself all this, by the way.)

I am so bad at posting on here. There is way too much to say, but luckily, it’s 4 am and I don’t feel like sleeping apparently.

Where do we even begin?

Two and a half weeks ago, I saw a guy and realized how cute he was. Let’s call him R. I don’t know what brought it on, but I saw him and thought about how I liked him at the beginning of the year. The thing was, though, he started dating this girl, and I have been under the impression that he’s been dating her since. But apparently, they broke up after three weeks of dating, so naturally, I spring into action.

[ flashback ]

In the beginning of the year, I was running errands downtown when I ran into him at the bagel place where I usually got my lunch. We started talking about how he’s working on this film set and he’s getting food for it, and we ended up walking back to the dorm together and having this really awesome conversation.

Then a few days later, he sends me this e-mail about how my iTunes library came up on his, and that he saw I had a pretty awesome taste in music and ask if I would mind if he took some of my music to put on his library. This initiated this exchange over e-mail about music, and we decided to trade. Anyway, the same week, I found out he started dating some girl, so that put him out of the question.. and I think I was also dating M at the time?

Still, we exchanged music with promises that we will do it again more thoroughly some other time..

[ end flashback ]

Which brings us to post-wow-he’s-cute-realization and post-shit-he-no-longer-has-a-girlfriend-enlightenment. I e-mailed him and asked him if he still wanted to do our music exchange from ages ago, and we spent one night going over the first half of the alphabet of artists that we had on our iTunes.

We were practically musical soulmates.

Apart from the jazz and band music he had, and the random hip hop frat boy music that I had, our iTunes were pretty identical in terms of artists. We bonded, and Thanksgiving came around so our little exchange had to be put on hold until the next week.

Then we did the rest of the alphabet, and here comes the sadness of no longer having valid excuses to talk to him and get to know him.

[ brilliant plan, but not really ]

I do this thing when I start to like someone and everyone finds out. It backfired like woah when I was in 8th grade, and you’d think by now I’d learn my lesson about telling everyone and their mothers my new crush, but nope, I still haven’t learned. I lost the guy back then, but somehow, the moral of the story didn’t stick.

Within a few days, half of my floor pretty much knew I had a little crush. Then I moved on to asking his friends questions, who pretty much realized that well, I had a thing for R. I started hanging out downstairs, where he lives, a lot more.. to get exposure, if you will.

[ the early signs ]

Okay, so there are no concrete ones. Kind of.

Apparently, the fact that he enjoys talking to me and we talk a lot is a big sign, according to his roommate T. I don’t really know, but T and his friends are convinced that R does indeed like me.

The wink. It’s this long story, but he was doing a radio show and I sat in to be serenaded by him and his saxophone, and well.. during his little performance, he looks up and winks at me. Then he looks up again a few minutes later and gave me this very flirtatious look (sans the wink, thank God). But I don’t know what the fuck that meant.

[ the insanity ]

I’m sorry if this story jumps around too much. I have a lot of ground to cover despite this only happening in a matter of three weeks, and I really should have posted a lot sooner so this update isn’t monstrous, but apparently, Tumblr was down for a little bit, so you know. Plus I technically have finals…

ANYWAY. One day, I literally watched chick flicks all day, convinced that he doesn’t really like me, fell asleep and woke up feeling empowered, and I thought to myself: I’m going to tell him I like him.

Don’t ask what came over me. I don’t usually do that type of thing, to be honest. I texted T about the idea, and I went downstairs, feeling confident that I could do this. Then I got down there, and all my lady balls flew out the window.

Anyway, after much talking to T and another friend of R’s, S, they both convinced me to ask R out.

[ the date ]

Basically, I was supposed to ask him for coffee. It was pretty ridiculous, actually. We sat around their suite as they yelled at me to go ask him out, to the point where it was like a game practically. Eventually, they went into T and R’s room, called me out, put me on the spot, so I had to go in and have a conversation about him. I found out, however, that he was busy working on something, so I left before asking him about coffee or date or what have you.

I went outside, and T and S naturally yelled at me to go back in there and ask R on a date. So I went back inside, I said “SoIknowyou’rerealbusyandall, butIwaswonderingifyouwouldhavetimetogogetcoffeewithme? Sometimetomorroworpossiblyoverthenextweek?”

He said yes.

He looked taken back that I was asking him out, I think, but he said sure. For guys, it probably would have ended at that, I would have left and be extremely happy and do a little dance outside his door.

But I’m a girl.

And this is what girls do: They overanalyze and they overthink. So I spend the next three hours freaking out about this date, and thinking about whether it is even a date, and thinking about whether it’s a pity date or if he actually wanted to go with me, and wondering if he just said yes because he’s actually interested or he’s only a little bit interested or if he’s not interested at all, and questioning how I’m going to pull this off and asking myself why the fuck I just did that, among other things.

And here I am, at 4:30 in the morning, the day of our supposed date, and I can’t sleep, and part of me just wants to sleep through the suggested time frame of this date so we don’t have to go, because I’ve been reformulating the game plan for this date time and time again and I’ve asked a million people and I really, really don’t know what I’m doing.

Fuck.

I do this thing when I’m really nervous where I can’t stop talking and words just keep flowing out of my mouth. Then after I’m done talking I realized I probably just overwhelmed the shit out of the other person and I want to grab all the words back and make him forget that I just talked for literally ten minutes nonstop and tell him, “No, I’m not like this usually, I swear.. I just have this terrible condition of finding you attractive and cute and amazing that makes me nervous and I can’t stop talking.”

I wish I wasn’t so awkward. But aren’t we all? Right? I think?

Oh hey there, Tumblr. It’s been a while.

Sorry I haven’t updated this in so long. I mean, to be honest, not a lot of love stories are coming my way, to be honest.

I headed downtown for a little bit after class this morning to run some errands. They were putting up Christmas decorations, and I got that warm fuzzy feeling typically associated with Christmas. It’s weird though, because I almost immediately thought back to a year ago, around this time, when I was looking forward to M visiting.

I don’t know, but something about winter just always makes me wish I had someone around this time. I guess the holidays are just filled with so much joy and love that you want someone to share it with. Then comes New Year’s Eve, where you share a kiss with that special someone when the ball drops. Then a month later, it’s Valentine’s Day.

Anyway, I was listening to Ingrid Michaelson, too.. and her one song, The Hat, brought me back to last year. If you’re not familiar, she reminisces about her first love and talks about how awesome he is and she sort of regrets ending things with him. I just thought about last Christmas, driving over to M’s house, and sitting on the couch, cuddling under a blanket and drinking hot chocolate.

I’m currently having trouble determining whether I want to be friends with him or not. It’s sort of hard because I don’t want to find myself pining for him, and the only way I can guarantee that is to cut off all communication and contact with him… but I don’t think I really want to do that. It sort of sucks, because the topic of Christmas break came up, and I don’t even know if I want to see him at all.

[ in other news ]

There is absolutely nothing going on with my love life right now. Yeah, there’s a few cute guys to crush on, but none of these guys are people I see on a daily basis, so it’s sort of difficult to obsess about them (which might be a good thing).

So instead, I’m finding that I’m obsessing about other people’s love stories. My one friend is dating this guy and they’re absolutely precious. Another likes this guy, and it seems as though he likes her back, and they are so adorable together.

In a sadder story, one of my guy friends like this girl who’s hundreds of miles away, and she’s dating some guy.. but they obviously like each other, because otherwise, they wouldn’t be talking on the phone for 3 hours like they did the one night.

Hopefully something exciting will happen this weekend, boy-wise.. but if not, I’m perfectly content with just being excited over seeing only one guy: Harry Potter! :)

With love,

Yours truly